This Gemini season, I have committed to sharing more of my views and stories. A little something every day. Today’s story comes from my “dark night of the soul,” not that I had heard of such a thing at the time. It’s certainly not something anyone should desire or aspire to, to n my opinion. And yet, it’s a big chunk of how life shaped me into who I am today, so embrace it I must.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.

Alcoholics Anonymous

I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been sober since 2006. At the end of my drinking, I knew I couldn’t control it. One evening, I went upstairs to have dinner with the neighbours, but declined wine because I had class the next morning. If I drank, I had no way of knowing if I would be fine, or wind up in a blackout, completely checked out from reality and having no conscious control (or memory) of my actions.

That night, I had cocaine instead. Because at least I wouldn’t black out. 

I went to my aromatherapy spa practitioner class that morning, after no sleep, in such a state. I’m sure my hard-ass teacher, Lynn, saw right through me. That course of hers saved my life, even if I never did pull myself together enough to do all my practicums and get my certificate. 

Because of that course, I made some good choices. I chose not to do certain illegal activities, because “what if” one of my aromatherapy clients saw me on the streets? 

It showed me how my life and my path were so not aligned. I saw where I wanted to be: a healer, using natural products, in good health. Not starving myself to be skinny, using drugs and booze, smoking, etc. 

That is to say, that there was always some logic behind it. There was always some pull to healing, to my path, despite the insanity I lived in.

So even today, when sometimes I feel like I’m wandering aimlessly through life, I trust. I keep walking, keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know I am here in this lifetime to help bring healing to people, to help light up the world. And so I do the next right thing, and I trust. I remember how far I’ve come, and how I could never have imagined my life would look the way it does today. I feel gratitude, this deep relief and freedom, deep in the core of my being. I pray I won’t have to make insane decisions ever again (like snorting cocaine instead of drinking wine).

I stay the path. I live my life. I do the best I can with what I have and what I know. It’s all any of us can do, really!