The last several months, I’ve been studying herbalism, and studying… myself, I guess. My past history in AA gave me tools to work through fears pretty easily (well, more easily now than in the beginning!), so I can move through life knowing that all these fears gnashing their teeth around me can’t even touch me. I walk through life unscathed, and the scars of the past are healing.
The thing is, now, now that I’ve learned how to do all sorts of work to address and eradicate limiting beliefs and absurd fears, and done a pretty thorough job of stripping away the weight of the world and all of its perceived shoulds and expectations (there’s always more, of course. But this is where I’m at for now…), now that I’m here, I feel like a totally different person. I mean, I feel like me. But there’s been such a radical shift in my mindset, that I don’t let myself get away with shit like I did even a few months ago. I call myself out on my own shit now.
Or at least, I try to. I’m still human. As evidenced by me being here typing away on my laptop, I clearly have not transcended human form and evolved into some light being, having shed my body and floated away. That is not my current status. So I’m here. I’m human. And I still slip into old thought patterns, old energies, negative fear-based shite here and there. Things that bring back my anxiety, my thoughts of me being a loser, not good enough, all those fun thoughts.
But I am still growing and evolving. I hope that my experience, strength and hope can bring hope into your life, too. I found a picture some time ago, from Christmas 2008. I’ll add it here later on. I thought I kinda had my act together at the time. I had a dog, a boyfriend, a job, and I’d just been accepted into university after spending a few years away from formal studies. I liked my hair colour, and I had a nice cozy sweater, and I got to celebrate Christmas with my family on Salt Spring Island. I was two years sober, and kind of thought I knew everything and my life was freaking good. Or at least that’s what I was telling myself, since it was, at that point, better in many ways than it had been in years past.
But I see that picture now, and I see the old me, hunched up on the couch, sunken eyes. And I just remember the tension and the fear I had. I remember the heavy snowfall, and not being able to make it from North Vancouver across to the ferry terminal in Tsawwassen. I remember how recklessly my boyfriend drove the car, and how the second day of trying, the roads had cleared up enough that I was able to make it to public transit that could get me to the ferry. I remember all the fears and doubts I had. I see how I was so clueless and in denial about life at the time, that I expected my then-boyfriend to provide for us when I started school the following month. Believing that he actually would step up and pull himself together, when I’d been supporting the two of us, and his drug habit, on $12.50/hr and my line of credit. When I would hand him our rent money to take upstairs to our landlord, only for him to disappear with it, and reappear days later, strung out, begging me not to cancel the phone because the guy he pawned it to would get angry (at least I had the sanity to go ahead and cancel the damn phone anyway). I had no way of knowing, when that picture was taken, that he would commit suicide weeks later and I would have the smack upside the head that maybe I needed to reevaluate my priorities in life.
You guys. My life did not magically get better overnight. I could not have handled any of the things in my life today, if they had. Even a decade later, I still have shit to clear. I still, constantly, daily, have lingering feelings of “Who am I to declare this? I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, other people get to have nice things, but I don’t.” Etc, etc. And it’s my job, all day, every day, to constantly clear those beliefs out of my head, and keep my energy high. It’s like the shedding dog hair that I’m constantly vacuuming, because shedding is year-round in our household, not just a season. I have to protect my energy. I have to make choices that are good for me, and good for the Britt of Tomorrow, and good for the People in My Life Whom I Care About.
And I couldn’t do any of this alone. I also couldn’t possibly do it with people who were dragging down my energy and reinforcing my old, negative beliefs about myself. When I was scolding kindergarten kids for acting their age, that didn’t make me feel good about myself. It reinforced the belief that I’m not a good person, even AS those things I was saying weren’t things I believed in. Like the abusive and soul-sucking relationship of the past, it was time for me to step away from that job, because I didn’t have firm, healthy boundaries set up. Nor am I trained in Early Childhood Education and Development.
I worked with coaches, I reached out to people I hadn’t talked to in ages, I withdrew from a lot of people around me, and reached out online to various people, groups, and strangers, who were also working on raising their energy and building the “New You.” Except… what I’ve learned is, it’s kind of the opposite. It’s more like, deconstructing to find the original you. Breaking off and shedding all the noise and the layers and the scars that we picked up throughout our lifetimes.
I know I still have things to learn, scars to heal, layers to shed, I can feel some lack of clarity here and there around me. But I also feel so much lighter, and more… vulnerable. More open. And much, much more certain. Certain in the same way that is was so damn, painfully obvious that I should have gotten out of that relationship long before it ended the way it did. But it’s okay. I’m human, I’m learning, and part of healing is forgiving myself for my very human mistakes and fears, and doing the best I can today.
So, I’ll get that picture up later on. Now, it’s time to take the dog for a walk before the rains set in. If you want someone to work with, to help guide you through times of transition, I’m here for you. Watch out in the coming days for an offer to come open for a coaching package I’m working on! Times of Transition…
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